clubbing nite but i aint clubbing.

though everybody is heading to the pubs tonight my heart is going nowhere..it rained for a while before 10 and it was a quite and lonely night again. i just got back from having tea and i dont know what to write anymore..

i dont feel like writing this seriously, but what else can i do? it is so uncomfortable to do things you dont mean doing at all..

shit this is killing me..i dont like it..

when i passed by the pubs i could hear the loud music, or perhaps it should not be called music at all, airing tirelessly in the cold midnight..everybody was dancing and drinking and smoking and hugging and laughing but i dont feel any of that at all..my heart was pounding and beating fast..so fast that i could barely hold the phone still in my hand..i dont know should i press the button or not..looking at the familiar screen i suddenly have the urge to call but the call ended so quick..not voicemail this time, but a few words..it was so short that i could remember clearly what was said during that 17 seconds.it swirled inside my head non stop and i could not stop it...i wasnt concentrating and i was driving alone on the road of kuching city..familiar places that once shared some of the fondest memory of mine passing my car, or should i say i drive pass them..it was really like a theater..not the familiar theater of dream, of course..i was pounding hard and i could see that my life was slowly turning into a movie..and this movie only last for half an hour, waiting for the director to continue and the script writer to produce the script..it was not easy to come this far, there were once a lot of obstacles blocking my way and obstacles after obstacles i went through..of course injuries are unavoidable..and these injuries are the source of strength i hold on to..without them i was probably nothing..

going through this movie alone make me think so hard, so hard in the middle of the night where everyone is asleep..does it really worth every ounce of energy and effort i gave? 

i certainly know the answer best inside my heart.

sorry for all the trouble and it wont be happening again..

but i cant guarantee coz i dont know what i am doing right now at this moment..it is hard to think right and i dont know where i am..

in the middle of nowhere? 

im not so sure either..

you have failed so far, thats not unbeknown, and i should have gone to bed..

well, it wasnt easy to shrug off the idea of having you here..

but it was to forget everything in the moment,

coz i am so tired..

so tired that i could not even open my eyes..

so tired that i decided not to think about it anymore..

that i should just forget about it

and let it be what it is supposed to be

now and forever..